An Original Gary “Uncle G” Brown Christmas Story
Hangin’ with Claus (first draft 15th December 2016_2nd re-write 15th and 16th December 2018)
By Gary “Uncle G” Brown
So I recently bumped into Saint Nicholas at the nearby Dollar General store. The aisle with all the baking goods in it. Was thinking of making brownies. I backed up after checking out some shiny aluminum disposable cooking pans, and not paying full attention to all that was going on around me, stepped on a rather large man’s foot. I apologized immediately. He replied back in a friendly deep voice:
“It’s okay, Gary. I have two feet. No harm was done. Besides, the elves put me in steel toes. Could kick down doors with these.”
And then it dawned on me who it was. I turned around. It was my old friend, Kris Kringle. He took a shine to me when I was a youth. Impressive memory! Asked me if I wanted a ride home on the sled. To help persuade, I was told Rudolph and the rest of the ‘Reindeer Squad’ was out there. I graciously accepted the offer. We finished up our shopping, checked out our items, and headed for the parking lot.
With Santa behind the wheel, he looked at me and said:
“Let’s have fun, GB. How about we detour before I drop you off at home, for a smoke and a beer? I got a place no one knows about. Not that far away.”
Isn’t like I had anything else to do. In an instant, we were there. Joined by an elf, named Becky. Looked to be in her early twenties. Tall, busty, and blonde. Old enough to be carrying a rather large smoking apparatus. Just not that damn good at it. She tripped over a sleeping drat (half dog-half cat) who earlier was busy spinning circles that looked like squares, all around the house. No purpose. The day before that, I was informed, it was squares that looked like circles. Or was it triangles that look like rectangles? Better doing that to keep occupied, than just lying around streaming DogTv. For the record, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Unless part of you is feline. On its social media page, under relationships, it just reads: “Confused“.
Miss Becky was nearby me when she tripped and fell. I ended up getting totally drenched in used bong water. The smell, oh the smell. I could not get those duds off, fast enough. Beats whiffing reindeer farts, according to Santa. “Nothing is worse than smelling reindeer farts all night. Well…dodging flying reindeer turds should be a winter Olympic sport. And they pee. The elves gave me a fancy mask to wear with windshield wipers, but I hate wearing it. Nobody knows this GB, so keep it to yourself. I make many sacrifices. The people are happy. Every year I tell the elves to not feed the reindeer on Christmas Eve.” Do they listen? I imagine they feed them four meals on that day, instead of their regular three. Then he burst out in one of his; ho ho hos. Said, while rolling a fat doobie. Remember why? Miss Becky broke the bong broke. It happens with glass, all the time. I was in a good position. Who needs a water pipe when Santa “420” Claus was nearby?
Miss Becky wound up losing two teeth by landing face-first on a solid wood coffee table. As luck would have it, one of the original tooth fairies was living incognito across the street. Santa’s now wounded helper went there and came back two shakes of a squirrel tail later with two brand new teeth in her head, and a couple newly minted (not for flavor) shiny quarters.
Part of the cleaning up from that incident involved me taking a quick shower. Was offered dry clothing while what I had on, was being quickly laundered.
The outfit I was given so I didn’t have to walk around butt naked, made me feel somewhat uncomfortable. But I’m thinking to myself…I said:
” Self, no one here to witness this but Kris, and Becky. A silly outfit, indeed. When in Rome? What harm can come of this?”
So there I am. Back in the living room, having a good old time. As was Becky and Father Christmas. He and I toked a strain of cannabis called Blue Dream, had fresh brews (Green Earth Brewing Company), and listened to Deep Purple‘s album; Machine Head (1972). On vinyl! No law that said we had to be listening to winter holiday music. Then out of nowhere, a blinding flash of light. The next day, this very picture went viral along with the headline…
Santa Claus Preps For The Holidays in Greeley Colorado
End of Story
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